Friend has been diagnosed with ms

[thesage]

pls help.. i don't know what to do, or what to say.. A very good friend of mine has just been diagnosed with ms.. she is really battling with the diagnosis.. What can i do to help her??

[Mandy]

Bummer. Just be who you always were to her, a very good friend. MS is a life changing disease, she will take some time to adjust to a new way of living. How old is she?

[Laska]

That's a bit hectic. It's tough one for people around you, as I have MS and I am still not too sure what I expect of people. I guess it really depends on the type of person your friend is. With me, denial was a strong force and sometimes still is. But I prefer if people are direct and ask me direct questions. I dont like it if people compare my fatigue to their tiredness for example!  get really angry at people's ignorance at times but I know people's heart is in the right place most of the time. So what am I saying...? It differs from person to person and maybe just ask your friend straight what you can do to help and that you are there for her and that you are willing to learn with her about MS. It's a tough one, most my friends don't really talk about as if they don't talk about it's not true! My husband we had to learn together and I am still learning and so is my family. There is no straight answer but you can only be the friend you have always been and your friendship should carry you through! Good luck!

[Linda]

 
It is a while since your posting.
How is it going?
How is your friend?
Have you learned anything that we could use to help us with ourselves andour friends and family?
Linda

[Wendy]

Hi guys

Thats the best advice - be the friend you have always been, and just be there for her! I wanted to share these two stories with you - about two different kind of friends:

* Friend A is my best buddy - almost 20 years now, I babysat her kids when I was a fresh faced Matric student, she nursed me through my first love and subsequent heartache, etc etc...she is now 46, son lives in CT and daughter leaving Jan to Au Pair in USA (then I shall be nursing her sore heart and supplying love and hugs for the Empty Nest Syndrome!! ) When dx's she sat down with me, had a frank discussion and told me straight I will be fine, Im strong, Im a survivor. When we go out for our monthly Sunday breakfast we chat, we laugh, and I have yet to see her have any pity for me! Which is great, and if I need help with walking she lends an arm, and a smile, and that comforts and reassures one! We carry on the same as usual.....

* Friend B I have known for a few years however she has gone through the mill - lost her job, she moved to CT with a new boyfriend, husband divorced her, kids now cant stand her etc. I believe she was dx's with bipolar few years ago, she landed up in a psychiatric unit, then hubby and her got together again, all was going well, and the man dies of a heart attack two years ago. None of the paperwork was corrected though, and she lost everything, kids got it all on a trust fund (they were 21 and 16 respectively) Now she is unemployed, has shacked up with a guy who is SO wrong for her and is persistently telling me as soon as im more disabled she wants to come 'look after me'. Wants to move into the Wendyhouse etc,etc...
Needless to say I have started to pull away from her...she is too draining....I wish her well though but the saying goes:

'People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime...'

MS doesnt give you much choice sometimes with mobility and various other aspects of life.
What is cant take away from you are good friends - all that remains is for you to surround yourself with positive, understanding and loving people!! Someone who listens with an open heart - you know they say everyone can hear but those who truly listen are like gold!
Take your cue from her, dont change or tiptoe around her - and remember laughter is the No 1 freindship glue!!

Good luck, and I hope your friendship stands the test of time.

Cheerio
Wendy

[Linda]

Ah Wendy
Oh - wise one

Thanks for always giving the required kick in the butt!

[emma007]

Hey There , I am new here been searching for MS forums . My sisters husband was diagnosed about a year ago with MS he is 35 years old. He is really struggling to get to terms with this and drinks extensively to try and forget about his condition. The dr has told him to stop drinking but nothing helps he does not want to listen to anyone and at the moment my poor sister is taking heavy shots from this , his condition as well as the drinking with this. They have only been married for 6 months now and things are not looking very well as he struggles to accepts his situation and instead just carries on to drink . I am not to sure what to do if anyone has advice please I would appreciate it .

Thanks
Emma

[Mandy]

Hello Emma

35 is such a young age, married for six months only, my heart goes out to this couple  I think the best you can do is just be there for them, it will take some time for both of them to come to terms with this diagnosis. I think acceptance of MS is tough, they are young and had all the normal dreams and aspirations any healthy couple would have, and then the diagnosis, I can not even imagine what they are going through. I have discovered Multiple Sclerosis for Dummies at Exclusive books, and what a lovely book, down to earth and short understandable paragraphs that put all the facets of MS in a nutshell. The whole acceptance bit too.

Might be a good idea to get this book for them? And even for yourself!

Lots of strength to you and your friends.

[emma007]

Hi Mandy , Thanks you so much fot the advice . I will go have a look at that book and see if i can find it . To top it all my suster fell pregnant and with her 1st visit to the dr for a scan they picked up that there was 2 babies but then they could not find a heart beat with either one . So she had a Miscarriage and emotionally this is affecting then badly as well . All I do every night is prey for them .

Thanks for the advice

Emma

[Linda]

 

Oh Emma - this is awful!
We will never understand the 'why's' or the 'hows'
Just be there
Offer your help, do not be pushy or give advice.
They have to come to terms with their situation, and it is their situation. Your role is supportive. Try to learn as much as possilbe about MS so that you can listen wisely, direct gently and not make irritating comments like " .... you thnik you are tired? I am ........."
Abova all - be there

[Ana]

Hi Emma,

Just let your sister know that we at this forum understand, we have MS and we can all share our own do's and dont's.  This forum is a place where we all speak the same language and support each other by sharing our own battles.  Perhaps your brother-in-law feels as though he has nobody who understands, get him (if you can) to join the forum.  Drinking is only deteriorating his body further and MS is enjoying this.  Drinking does NOT solve problems, my husband has been there, when you are sober, the problems seem much bigger and in turn a person drinks more, its a vicious circle.  If he does join the forum he can let off some steam and he'll be helping someone by sharing.

Ciao
Ana

[Wendy]

Hi Emma

Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us -as Ana mentioned, this forum is a wonderful place to share, to pick up tips, to be with those who understand.

It must be frustrating for you as well, but I commend you for seeking advice and for trying your best.
They are indeed a young couple and so early on in the marital road to have these potholes and trials can not be easy. I would also strongly recommend you suggest the site to them, or at least to phone the MSSA at 0860 456 772, it would be a  step in the right direction.

MS is difficult enough to deal with, or even understand, as it is, so to have other problems on top of that can seem momentous. With faith and love nothing is insurmountable though, and I will also pray that they find the courage and strength to get on the right path.

Good luck and keep us posted!